All You Can Eat Buffet
by NekoTaku24433
Summary: What happens when Ed takes Al, Ling and Lan Fan out for lunch? After what happened, it's NO WONDER he didn't again. crack!fic, enjoy! T for Ed's mouth. The wonderful Lingyness that is Ling!


**Okay, so this idea has been floating around my head for a while. I just kept thinking about how Ling in all of his wonderful Lingyness was always beasting on the room service menue. So, yeah...ENJOY!**

**Oh, Yeah, Ed curses. (what else is new?) And I don't own, or there would be more wonderful YAOI! Amazingly, no yaoi in this one. Weird...**

* * *

Ed gave a small sigh of exasperation as Al put the car in reverse, slowly pulling into the spot. In the back, the freaky thread-eyed kid and his lapdog with anger-management issues—aka Ling Yao and Lan Fan— were in a heated discussion about which were better, steamed or fried dumplings. The black-haired teen spoke energetically, bouncing in the leather seats of the Nissan as he listed the pros of fried dumplings. _I don't fucking CARE that fried dumplings have a light crunch that contrasts pleasantly with the soft filling or that steamed dumplings are healthier. _Ed could practically feel the steam pouring out of his ears as he growled, a furious snarl forming in the back of his throat. He felt a hand come to rest on his shoulder, and he turned to see Alphonse giving him a sympathetic smile. After he had gotten the armored boy's body back, Alphonse had been sickly for months and stuck in a hospital bed. Because of this, he couldn't go and eat all of the foods he had been dreaming of for the past four years. Now that Al had finally been released from the hospital, Ed was taking him to an All You Can Eat Buffet, and the Xingese brat had wormed his way in. Ed wouldn't have brought him, he really wouldn't have, but a year or so back Ed had lost a bet with him, and Alphonse was holding him to it. (That is another story altogether, though I definitely plan on telling it.) And of course Ling just _couldn't _go _anywhere_ without his trusted bodyguard. Thus Ed sat, with the two in the back now singing Patty-Cake. Why, oh _why_ did Al have to teach them _Patty _FUCKING _Cake?!_

Alphonse rubbed Ed's shoulders soothingly from the driver's seat. (Ed's feet couldn't reach the pedals.) "Don't worry, Nii-san. Everything will be fine, you'll see. We'll have lots of fun!" The way he beamed at his older brother, the bright and hopeful look in his golden eyes…well, how could Ed _not _feel his excitement?

The older blonde gave a small sigh of exasperation, but a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. "You know what? You're right, Al. We've been looking forward to this, and I'm sure everything will be just—" Ed was cut off as Ling screeched the last line in his ear so loudly his bangs were blown back across his face.

"—PUT IT IN THE OVEN FOR LAN FAN AND ME!" The black-haired teen screamed, his whiny voice cracking slightly from the sheer volume of it. Ed's eye started twitching, and then his other one did too, followed his hand, and his foot, until his whole body was trembling with pure pissed-offedness.

"LLIIIIIIIIIIINNG!"

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Alphonse's eyes lit, two bright golden pools drinking in the hot tables piled with foreign foods, and Ed could feel his mouth start to water at the rich, exotic scents. With the combined stomach-rumbling of the four of them, it sounded as if there was a small earthquake. Al flinched as the stacks of plates clinked from the vibrations. A hostess hurriedly scurried over, cringing at the deep growl of hunger that echoed from the group. Making a small motion to them, she hurried over to a booth in the back—way, WAY in the back. Ling immediately flung his body across the stiff cushions, making himself at home. Lan Fan seated herself in a much quieter matter, folding her legs underneath her body and lightly drumming her automail fingers on the wood. Ed gave a grumble, dumping the coats and bags on the solitary chair. "Well, I guess we should go get some food."

Ling Yao was a lazy, whiny, food-grubbing brat who had the strange impression that Ed _wanted_ to wait on him hand and foot. The only times Ed had ever seen him move quickly was when there was food to be eaten or a mess to escape from. And, he begrudgingly admitted, when he was fighting. That Xingese brat could bob and weave like nothing he had ever seen before! Now Ed watched with embarrassment as he put those skills to use, darting around the people and stealing the food right from their mouths—literally. He was actually sneaking pieces of food from their plates using his freaky ninja skills, and moments later he came back with several plates piled high with the Aerugian delicacies. "God, I need to visit Aerugo if their food tastes like this!" Al cried out as he slid into the seat next to Ed, plates overflowing with savory meats and exotic vegetables. Ling Yao gave a grunt of agreement as he darted back into the crowd, having already finished the five plates he brought back earlier. Cringing, Ed realized that Lan Fan was on her seventh. Rolling his eyes as Ling miraculously appeared again with a monstrous amount of food, the blonde proceeded to perfect his act of becoming a human vacuum. He did a pretty good impression of it too, sucking down his food faster that both Ling and Lan Fan combined. Apparently, the ability to become a black hole ran in the family, as Al was able to match Ed bite for bite. A little girl stopped to stare at the horrifying sight, but her mother ushered her to their table, covering her wide eyes with a pale hand. Al gave a wry chuckle in-between bites of a succulent meat in a rich, garlicky sauce; it seemed as if he was getting stranger looks now than he had when he was a suit of armor. A waitress crept up to the table fearfully, grabbing the ever-growing tower of empty plates before darting away into the kitchen. It was a good thing this was an All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet, because otherwise the combined eating habits of the Elric brothers alone would have driven Ed to bankruptcy. As it was, the combined eating habits of the four of them would drive the _restaurant_ to bankruptcy. Already half of the trays were scraped bare, and the kitchen was scrabbling to keep up.

As Ling made his eighteenth trip to the hot tables, his squinty eyes caught sight of the dessert trays—namely the frozen yogurt machine. His eyes widened opened at the sight of the shiny metal object, and he flew to its side, cramming the food he was carrying in his mouth. "Lan Fan! Come look at this!" he cried, caressing the cold metal sides. She was at his side in a flash, a drumstick hanging from her mouth. Ling gestured to the machine excitedly. "Here, hold this bowl underneath this tube while I try to work it." The black-haired teen passed over a much-too large serving bowl he had polished off earlier. Lan Fan took it obediently while Ling began to fiddle and poke at the various buttons. The frozen yogurt machine started to make an odd whirring noise, and a button labeled "WARNING: OVERLOAD" began to flash bright red. What a shame that Ling and Lan Fan could only read Xingese. After a few more moments Lin gave a triumphant cry, pulling a lever labeled "DO NOT PULL".

* * *

Alphonse gave a momentary pause of his food-shoveling when he heard the small explosion. Looking up from his pile of food, he saw a suspicious cloud of smoke rising from the other side of the restaurant. "Um…Nii-san? Should we see what's going on?"

Ed rolled his eyes, not even bothering to give the minor disaster a quick glance. "Ush echical iffi-ul-ies erm hure." He mumbled through a mouthful of chicken casserole.

Alphonse gave the older blonde a glare, lightly smacking him upside the head. "Don't talk with your mouth full, it's gross. And I'm not so sure it's just technical difficulties, what if—hey, where did Ling and Lan Fan go?" Slowly, Ed's golden eyes rose to meet Alponse's own, both reflecting the other's rising horror.

"Oh, FUCK."

* * *

The other customers stared—quite rudely, Ling thought—as the manager continued to reprimand the four of them. Ed forced out yet another apology through gritted teeth, and yes of course the damages would be paid for. The blonde's face had gone as red as his trademark coat, and Al's soothing presence was the only thing that kept him from sinking his claws into the throat of the Xingese prince. (Though his bodyguard _may_ have had something to do with it as well.) Really, the entire situation would have been a lot worse had Al not been there, because he also managed to keep Lan Fan from killing disabling the security guards. As amazing as Alphonse is though, he couldn't stop the manager from permanently banning the group from the restaurant and emailing a warning out to other restaurant owners in the nearby vicinity. What a shame, he had really liked this place too.

Once the manager had finished his lecture and the security guards had kicked them out, Ed turned his evil death-glare on Ling. His body trembled with rage, and his voice was filled with a strangely quiet fury. "I…..…." Ling nodded eagerly. "…...Will Never….." Ling winced as Ed enunciated each word, filled with so much venom. "…._EVER_…" Ed snarled, causing Ling to hide behind Lan Fan. "…Take You Out…In Public…_**AGAIN**_." The blonde teen spat out his last word, and even Lan Fan winced at the pure vehemence held in those two syllables. "_**EVER**_."

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**So...yep. No yaoi, and NO ROY?! wow, something's wrong with me... I hope you liked! REVIEW for more fics like this!**


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